


The Reason

by FlandusLover1



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Accidents, Best Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Makeup Sex, Making Love, Memory Loss, Miscarriage, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25856722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlandusLover1/pseuds/FlandusLover1
Summary: just a little somethingBest mates Finn and Rae turned lovers cant get enough of each other in there summer romace what happens when a accident occurs causing Finns memory loss. will Rae try to get him to fall in love with her again or will his complete memory loss of her specifically turn her world upside down in more ways than i accident caused and how can she cope when his parents and her mum are they only people who knew of there relationship
Relationships: Rae Earl/Finn Nelson
Comments: 20
Kudos: 12





	1. Return

Summer July 25th 1995 (Finn 16 Rae 15)

The night breeze blowing through there bodies as she clinged to him his heart soared every time she touched him, its one of the reason he has ridden his bike the most this summer just to feel her pressed against him holding him. He couldn’t denie he loved their little bubble just them and their music but tomorrow the gang would all be back and he wouldn't get much "Rae" time all there friends had went away this summer it was a first since they were 7 that it was just them two and he missed it.

Smiling to himself when she starts using there secret communication code he stupidly started it went he couldn’t grow a pair and actually tell his bestfriend that he was madly in love with her so he did he only thing he could think he traced it on her skin 

I  
LOVE  
YOU

He smile grew yes that right she fucking loves him he squeezed her hand not wanting to take his eyes off the road , just a block away from her house he swear his heart stopped "FINNN!!!" he heard the fear in her voice but before he could register what scared her he felt immense amount of pain it felt like he was flying, after hitting the pavement hard his head bouncing off the hard road as he came to a stop laying there trying to catch his breath he start panicking "OH GOD RAE!!" he looks around until he spots her laying underneath the scooter unmoving and blood on her he knows he cant move and cant even began to process the state Rae is he closes his eyes as tears stream down is face from the stress , pain or the thought that Rae hasn’t moved and the blood puddle is getting bigger he keeps his eyes close willing the image out of his head he just wants to forget lay there and go with her. He knows she could be alive but his froggy brain is totally convinced that’s the last image he would have of her.

Summer July 10th 1996 ( Finn 17 Rae 16)

Dear diary

I'm still mad, still fat, and still heartbroken

On the way home we ran into "the gang' Chloe spotted us before I could try and hide

She actually believed I had only been gone three months when its actually been over four

She gushing begging to come to pub and catch up with the gang I was ready to agree until he looked back at us and looked at me as if he was annoyed some fat blob was holding them up trying not to cry I told her maybe quickly getting into the car and away from them

You see diary after the accident Finn woke up with poor memory at first the doctors believed it was just confusion no one mentioned me incase he would get to upset they needed him to recover but after 2 weeks of the gang going to visit him he had still not mentioned me at all when I was finally able to at least be in a wheel chair they allowed me to go see him he cocked a eyebrow asking me "You lost?" I shook my head then he said "Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to wonder into strange lads room!" I couldn’t stop the tears or my words as I asked didn’t he remember me he simply just said nope and asked me to leave

At first I thought he was lying just using this accident to break up with me like our steamy summer of lust, love and music was a regret sadly I was told a week later Finn had no memory of me what so ever when I cried asking the doctor why just me he gave me a sad smile "Sadly there is no guaranteed answer but from other patients stories some said that once they gained there memory they remembered begging to forget the scene around them or the pain, he believes the brain goes into protective mode hints the memory lost sadly he couldn’t guarantee Finn would ever regain his memory but to not pressure him and to hide all items involving her for the time being and give him space!"

A week after that I was released I was just grateful we had decided to have the summer in a bubble its hurts enough seeing the looks of pity from his Mum and dad let alone mine As well I don’t think I could handle it if the gang new I was barely hanging on after my release as is.

I didn’t know what to do I'm glad the gang is there to help with his recover it just hurts I've been home a month and only spoken them over the phone telling what they’ve been up to not realizing they were breaking my heart all over again 

You see the doctor advised it would be best for me to keep my distance they wanted to allow his brain to heal and they feared me there might slow the process basically they knew I would beg him to remember me and show him the pictures we took even the naughty ones he took saying it was his personal spank bank album I laughed at the time kind of turned on but also amazed by his body reaction to me 

Its been 12 months and 2 weeks since our accident , its been 4 months and 5 days since I was sent away , its been 12 months and 2 weeks since I last kissed him and heard his voice as he tells me how much he loves me….Izzy sent me a letter right after I left for 'France" it told me how his recovery was going along with the letter was a handful of photos I cried looking at each.

After trying not to gag on the flirt fest at the Earl house I figured why not hit the pub if there inviting her the must have gotten the ok from the doctor, standing in front of the mirror I viewed myself I still didn’t love how I looked but I did like how I looked I had lost some weight ( "starving yourself then trying to take yourself away from this painful world will do that for ya!") wearing my Stone roses t-shirt paired with shorts and my converse high tops I looked closely if you weren't staring at her legs you couldn’t see the scars from the accident but to Rae she could see them as if they were fresh but she vowed to like her looks and that meant ditching the leggings and lastly her leather jacket.

Arriving at the pub I felt my heart go haywire Chloe was out front smiling as I walked up I hugged her cause well she can be shit friend sometimes but she also quiet amazing holding back my tears I smiled at her

"Hey babes listen the gang and I figured it would be way more confusing to explain to Finn how we all know you and he doesn’t so he thinks this is the first time ya meeting them all ok babes its easier this way!"

"yeah I get that Chlo"

She smiled then turned dragging me into the pub straight to the usual table I steeled myself not knowing if I could take that disgust look he gave me earlier 

"everyone this is Rae! Rae that is Izzy ,Chop and Finn and Archie should be here soon!"

"hi!" from Izzy

"Hiya!" from Chop

"Ya want a drink Chop can get served?"

"No thank you not tonight!'

"ya sure?" 

I knew she was actually asking if I was sure I wanted to deal with this without any alcohol at all, I didn’t but its safer this was that was I blurt out something I knew about them or to catch on the summer we spent apart he didn't even say hi to me just looked up then back to rolling his ciggy

" What ya doin ya benny! Trying to get us kicked out…here take a picture of the biggest pythons of sports entertainment!" I laughed a little at Chop as Izzy raised the camera

"What these here huh!...these or those!" his voice has my spine tingling and that laugh caused a shiver to coarse over my body as Chop and him posed for the ridiculous photo 

"Come up Archie!" the pub cheered as Archie appeared from the crowd 

"Hiya this is a little hit that came out a couple months back!"

I smiled I missed my other best mate he was my secret stereotype bestfriend I've missed him greatly 

Oh, oh, come on, oh yeah

Well I tried to tell you so (yes, I did)

But I guess you didn't know

As I said the story goes

Baby, now I got the flow

'Cause I knew it from the start

Baby, when you broke my heart

That I had to come again and show you that I'm real

(You lied to me) all those times I said that I love you

(You lied to me) yes I tried, yes I tried

(You lied to me) even though you know I'd die for you

(You lied to me) yes I cried, yes I cried

(Return of the Mack) it is

(Return of the Mack) come on

(Return of the Mack) oh my God

(You know that I'll be back) here I am

(Return of the Mack) once again

(Return of the Mack) pump up the world

(Return of the Mack) watch my flow

(You know that I'll be back) here I go

Later on that night we ended up at the Chippy I just stood away watching them laughing at there antics remembering the days I would be right there in the food fight with them laughing as I'm walking backwards out the door with them while there still goofing off it warmed my heart seeing Finn smile and smile at me until I comprehended the words he had said

"Hey Chloe's friend take a picture of us!"

"Mae!" 

All I could do was smile and take the silly phone making a joke about Chops "Pythons" not almost fitting in the photo luckily or unluckily Izzy smiled at me whispering for me to keep it I wasn’t sure I wanted to remember Finn referring to me as just Chloe's friend I took it home anyway.


	2. Right here Waiting?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Rae handle just being Chloe mate who joined Finn group? 
> 
> This is more of a filler chapter

Dear Diary July 12th 1996

Its been two days and no one has called, maybe I was kidding myself thinking it could be like last time I walked pasted the pub saw them all laughing and smiling but I couldn’t go in although a couple snakebites it just want us needed you see diary on my walk home I walked past that stupid twat Stacey Stringfellow overheard her talking bout the lad she is thinking bout getting back with I couldn’t care less honeslty well until I heard her twat friend "Stacey what if Finn doesn’t wanna get back together you knows he been having strings of one night stands is it even worth it I know he fit as!" my stomach dropped but my heart shattered as the next words was spoken " Look yes Finn had his fair share of one night stands but the sex is amazing so ya imma try again!' 

Picking up my pase I didn’t know where to go or what to do it isn't like I didn’t think Finn would stay single when he has no bloody memory of me even as a friend but fucking Stacey…..

Rae knew it wasn’t fair to be angry with him when he cant even remember that he technically has a girlfriend but she knew the first time she got to see him after the accident that there relationship was over its just fuck Stacey caused the last straw to break she had stolen Rae clothes in the showers at school and Rae had to walk to her locker in a towel while everyone laughed when Rae finally reached her locker standing there laughing was Finn as Stacey threw her clothes at him he dropped them as if they burnt him she couldn’t handle it that night Rae Earl had tried to kill herself 

Taken a breath she slipped into the pub hoping the gang wouldn’t notice her but she knew her luck wasn’t that good as Chloe had spotted her claiming she would have called but it was spontaneous Rae knew it was a lie but took the last available seat which was next to Finn

"You alright Fin?"

He just looked over and shrugged

"I suppose!"

He didn’t even ask if I was ok I was pissed I tuned into the conversation 

"I'm telling ya orgasm are like sneezing mate powerful!" Chop grinned 

"knobbits how is a orgasm like sneezing that makes no sense!' Finn exclaimed

Zoning out as Archie sat beside me asking me to save him from that I just laughed of course princess Chloe was al about her sexual experience funny how I lost me V plates before she did I couldn’t help but roll me eyes as she talked about the magic orgasm gateway and then suggesting we share our most favorite sexual experience I gulp could I say my favorite? Could I hear what Finns was he didn't even bloody remember we lost our V plates to each other I bet fucking Stacey is his favorite!

"Rae you go first!" internally growling at her taken a deep breath as they all stared at me well Miss Chloe suck on this

"That would be at the pillars, listening to good music drinking just having a good time right there in broad daylight he showed me all the ways he loved me body, boy knew what he was doing took me through that magical orgasm gateway 3 times!"

All slack jawed I could tell that Chloe was pissed but I couldn’t care that was the day of they accident as Finn made love to me proclaiming his dreams of our future that was tragically ripped away two hours afterwards 

"So he got you off 3 times with his fingers ive had that its nothing!"

"Naw Clo once with his fingers then with his mouth then with his penis! And he had a delicious one!"

Suck on that princess trying not to listen as Finn decided hell go next as Chloe still looked like a fish outta water but still his voice always drags me in

"Me favorite hmm….probably that time I took that girl on my scooter while it was still on had her purring I tell ya its crazy cause I remember how amazing the sex was but not her name or what she looked like."

Internally hyperventilating I couldn’t believe it either he talking bout me or he's taken another lass that way on his scooter, we had did that after a day drive to buy a new cd we stopped at Rutland's.

Zoning out of the conversation when Julie Fisher walked over sitting in Finn lap I already knew that was his squeeze of the month making a excuse I hightailed it out of there after Chloe announcing she's having a pool party at her new house for Izzy's birthday bloody hell 

Dear Diary July 16th 1996

Today is the Pool party im not sure if I can handle going but it is Izzy's 16ths birthday I'd be rude of me not to bloody Julie is invited 

even though I liked the way I looked Finn had done that but also hating it aswell sometimes when my moods get dark I wonder if my being fat is the reason Finn blocked me out of his mind enough to erase me 

I wished I didn’t want to go, I wish that things wouldn’t have changed, I wished that drunk driver wouldn’t have been drinking that night  
Not matter what I wished things wasn’t changing dear diary its been almost a year and he looks at me as if he just met me I might need me some snakebite courage today

Wish me luck diary

After convincing Archie to go swimming it was like everything was in slow motion Finns smiles, his laugh but yet none of them nor his words were ever towards me.

I found myself sandwiched between Archie and Finn in Chloe's sauna I tried not to get myself excited but dammitt this is the first time his body has touched mine in a year willing the heartbreak not to come I ended the debate on how to choose who's going to the chippy right as I say last one in the pool where all running out Izzy, Archie , myself, Finn and Chop at the same time all laughing cause we knew we never get a winner I volunteered after catching Chloe holding the hospital braclet Tix gave me.

Dear Diary July 24th 1996

I cant believe I gave up Knebworth for princess Chloe I thought my supposed best mate needed me but nope as soon as Stephen our gym coach calls she's running off telling me to stay so her parents doesn’t know she's out I almost told her the real reason I was away for 4 months.

I was in Finns car dairy and he fucking made a mix tape Spaceman was the first track, he had defended me against Big G HE PUNCHED HIM !!!!! HE SMILED AT ME ;) but no I was here in this pink bedroom listening to Knebworth on the radio instead bollocks

Dear Diary July 25th 1996

Todays shit I visited her today along with Finns nan will it ever get easier?

There's this rave tonight I need to do something I need to get my mind off things so I'm going 

Going to forgot what today is, going to forget he's right there but yet so far away

going to forgot what all I lost, going to forget why I'm still here suffering 

just need to forget for awhile

As soon as we reach the rave everyone is buzzing with excitement bouncing around and goofing off but its not enough so when Chop offers EX I take it quick heading towards the bar to get wasted fast. Dancing my heart out when Archie comes over making me promise well stay friends next year at college then kisses me after saying if I was a lad he'd snog me, after he leaves I run into Kendo getting me a another pill dismissing his advances until Chops saves me I feel horrible as Chop looks heartbroken after Finally admitting he's in love with Izzy only to see her be snogged by Kendo Archie and I chase after Chop as he runs out not finding him we head back in back to bar.

As Archie and I head back to the dance floor I spot something that makes my stomach churn and my heart to shatter. There in the middle of the dance floor is Finn and Chloe making out looking to steamy for her to take, bolting out of the rave she doesn’t stop just keeps running until she trips and falls passing out with tears in her eyes.

Dear Diary July 26th 1996

Fucking Chloe isn't good enough for him , she always does this just cause she knows she a fit lass and as princess Chloe so kindly said to me 

"lads just don’t like big girls, its sucks and I'm sorry but that’s just the way it is babe!" maybe she's right I've lost my love and now I'm alone.

After fighting with mum, after getting call and seeing tix in a coma I couldn’t bring myself out of the darkness. Digging deep into the closet where all my Finn stuff was I looked the pictures one last time wishing with all my hope things was different/  
deciedng to see the the gang once more

its awkward so I leave soon after I arrive only having a few words not realizing I left my bag at the chippy

Running all the way there I find out my pretty lass friend has it when I finally reach her door she crying shoved my backpack in my arms tells me to leave her alone and to leave Finn alone

Writing mum a note I head to the bridge crying my eyes out, taken a deep breath stepping into the road, right as I'm crossing the road something slammes in to me and everything goes black……….

Finns POV NEXT CHAPTER


	3. Its Been Awhile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn Pov

(FINNS POV)

Sitting on my bed trying to shake this guilty feeling I know I fucked up kissing Chloe last night fuck I didn’t even want to I just wanted the image of Archie and Rae kissing out of my head, I know I've been shit to her and I don’t try to be but I can find the words around her and when she told her best sexual experience I was jealous who was the twat that worshipped her body the way I've dreamed about a lot lately.

That day at the pub I lied to the group I told them of a dream I had of Rae, the same dream that had me waking up in a cold sweat on the verge of Cumming just a couple swipes of my hand had me Cumming so hard my body felt wore out and my lips were parched. Its been like this since Chloe brought her to the pub but it feels as if I've known her longer its weird a since of calm washes over me the scared feeling like somethings gonna happen to her goes away when she's near but I'm also terrified around her I'm terrified ill say or do something that will make her hate me and walk out of my life., so I clam up ending up acting like a dick and barely talking to her. Fuck after the pool party I broke it off with Julie I didn’t wanna use her she was a good girl just not for me.

The fucked up thing is all these lasses spreading rumors around that I'm leaving this string of one night stands and that’s just not true ive had sex with 2 girls and sad as it sounds I came harder from my dream than I did with them I had to force myself to be with them I wanted to drown this feeling that something important was missing afterwards I ended thing the guilt just spread more 

I was so pissed when I heard Big G and his crew yelling insults at Rae the throb from the punch makes me smile the twat deserved more, I had thought Rae and I was getting closer but then she ditches out at last minute on Knebworth. 

Yesterday I had this feeling of suffocation my da says it was probably me remembering it was the one year anniversary of my accident I wasn’t convinced though it was something else the same something else that caused me to want to lay my best mate out at the rave that night a part of me wishes I had done that instead of kissing Chloe. I'm not daft the tension between Chloe and Rae had intensified after I came back from the loo then Rae took off without even looking at me I quickly explained that people shouldn’t kiss people unless they mean it and that I was sorry but were still mates giving her a hug I took off.

Once home showered and chugging tea I couldn’t stop fidgeting 'What am I missing?' 'What is it about today?' was the only thoughts going through my head while I listened to music the rest of the day and well into the night random songs reminding me of Rae I just knew she would like or would take the piss out of me for playing as my eyes started closing my thoughts was only one thing that beautiful raven haired music goddess that’s gotten under my skin.

Sitting back in the Chippy for debrief part 2 I couldn’t help but feel anxious 'Would Archie be telling the group him and Rae are a thing?' 'Would Rae give me a chance to talk to her?' the gang showed up one by one seeing as after we leave here where heading to Rae mum wedding reception we all figured to just hang until then.

Everyone showed up besides Rae I felt defeated how come every time I get up the nerve to speak to her properly she's not around, listening but not really paying attention until Chop mentioned that dreadful kiss surprisingly none of them saw the kiss between Chloe and I. Chloe was acting strange and not at all fazed by Rae absents 

"Archie mate saw you smooching Raemundo Way to go lad!" 

" Ha yeah it was just a kiss between friends mate between the drugs and the alcohol, hey we wasn’t they only ones snogging either I pretty sure Rae and I kiss was much like the one we caught between Chlo and Finn"

" Wha?"

" Ya mate after Rae and I chased Chop we couldn't find him so we went back to bar and on our way back to the dance floor we caught yall snogging pretty intensely then Rae disappeared on me I chunked and passed out after that!"

The fucker just shrugs like what was I supposed to do he bloody knew my feeling for Rae fuck she had seen the kiss no wonder she wouldn’t look or talk to me yesterday morning I'm just gonna have to tell her I fancy her today at her mums reception gotta know I cant get her out of my mind, my body aches for her, my chest hurts when she not around.

Walking slowly toward the pub all chatting bout everything and nothing at all Chop was cut off mid sentence by me dad stopping his car rushing over looking very worried

"Da what's wrong?" his shoulder tense making my gulp

"Listen kids the reception has been postponed…..there been a accident."

"Da?"

" Son i…its Rae sh..she was hit by a car earlier today."

So focused on getting to the hospital trying to figure out why this felt like De Ja Vu he didn't noticed the familiarity in his friends eyes, he didn’t see the dread, didn't see them gripping each other with tears in there eyes. He doesn’t know they’ve been here exactly one year ago fresh from there trips to find out there two best mates was in a car accident and neither on at that point was awake. 

He doesn’t notice his mates beating there self's up for not being there for Rae more but no one sees the terrified lost dead look in Chloe's eyes or the fact that she's shaking almost as much as Finn is as she repeats the mantra 'please be ok please be ok I'm so sorry I'm so sorry' wishing her and Rae last conversation had went differently

Finally at the hospital Finn doesn’t wait for anyone as he rushes into the hospital not stopping until he reaches her mum he shaking with tears in his eyes and he's not even sure why he feels like his heart is shattering but he just knows he loves that girl in there and it sadden that it took this for him to name the feeling he's had .

Linda tells them she's in surgery that the accident caused a old break to need resetting but other than that she did bang up her head a bit and needed stitches and broke her wrist when she landed the rest was scraped and bruises he felt like he could finally breath 

What felt like hours Linda finally came back informing us just this once the whole gang could come see Rae that she was still out but seeing a visiting hours was almost over the hospital was allowing it.

So focused Finn didn't catch the gangs breath hitching nor his dads or the way there eyes darted toward on another in worry.

No Finn didn't notice any of that how could he when seeing that beautiful girl hooked up to machine had made tears falls from his eyes as a tiny movie played in his head

'him with longer hair smiling at…Rae, making love to her proclaiming their future and his love to her, them on his scooter him kissing her before putting his helmet on, them riding down familiar roads her scream him flying, her lying there bleeding out he wishing to block that image out of his head

Gasping tears flowing freely now shaking his head walking backwards until he out of her room he doesn’t stop but starts running instead running toward that corner where the accident was, running from how horrible he's been towards her, running from the fact that he cheated on her, running cause he almost lost her again and what if he hadn't remembered until she really was gone 

(Gary's POV)

Watching my son crying shaken like leaf turning away breaks me all over again , just a year ago I was here in this very room seeing him hooked up to all kinds of machine while Rae was the same down the hall

"As far as I know he hasn’t remembered anything since before his leg surgery, but these past couple weeks he realized he was mad about her but couldn’t find the words to tell her ill go find him…Linda I'mma come back but do please let me know if anything comes up please!"

Patting Rae leg gently I left in search of my son driving slowly on my way home worried sick that day he got call bout the accident came to the forefront of his mind, just that morning Finn had been up extra early bopping his head to some tune puttings thing into a picnic basket with a blissful smile on his face one of a man madly in love.

Gary knew his son and Rae was sexually active he lost count of the times he came home to noises only to walk back out the door he never said anything he knew his son was being he safe and he cared for her way to much to hurt her, even Linda knew as she to had came home to noises and left as well we know it wasn’t normal but from day one when they were 3 and 4 its been the Rae and Finn show they were there for each other when her dad left and his mum they did everything together hell they even hit puberty around the same time so it was no shock to Gary and Linda when they finally got together we understood them not wanting to tell the gang after all it was the first time since they were 6 and 7 since that’s when they met Chloe, Archie and Chop it went from the Duo to the gang that they were just the duo.

On that day though Gary could see the love in his sons eyes he was informed Finn was taken Rae on the scooter for a picnic seeing as the gang would all be getting in early in the morning and they had planned to tell them, I had just smiled giving my son a hug telling him to tell our girl I said and to come over soon.

Around eight that night I got the dreaded phone there had been a accident to meet them at the hospital arriving Gary found Linda in tears saying she saw them being wheeled in muttering words Gary couldn’t understand so he held her until each respectable doctor came to get us. Before we called the gang we had switched rooms alternating visiting each, it was heartbreaking when Finn woke up asking the nurse for water Linda hoped it was just confusion and went to get the doctor we quickly learnt that Finn not only had memory loss but it was only the accident, Rae and Linda we were baffled as to why until the doctor explained his theory I called bullshit but I wasn’t a doctor.

When Rae wheeled herself to go see him and he looked at her as if he never seen her before he had to watch a girl who was like his own daughter break down all over again she clammed up demanded no visitors and asked me to please remove her pictures from our house even telling me where the hidden box of notes and phones her and Finn had hid, I didn't know then that Finn doctor had told her this was the best option to take away all memorabilia and let Finn remember on his own and for Rae and Linda to keep there distance for awhile.

Coming out of the memory Gary looked at the clock it was fifteen after one and Finn still wasn’t home grabbing his coat figuring he could drive around hoping to see his son he heard a commotion from the garage.

Sitting there holding a wore road battered leather jacket was Finn in tears it broke my heart seeing my son in such distress holding him trying to comprehend his mutter words 

'Can't….i forgot her…why..i need her…I love her even more..i almost lost her twice'

Realizing what his sleepy brain was lagging his son must have remembered something

"Finn son I cant understand you, what are you sayings?"

"Da walking into that room I remembered…the accident..as i…was running..i ended.. up at the accident spot.. the memories came so fast Da wh..what if she hates me…fo..for how i..oh gawd I treated her. .acted.. the other girls ..i love her so much Da!"

Gary couldn’t help but smile his boy gained back his memories, the smile was short lived as he comprehended what his son a stuttered out he prays Rae will forgive him but he also know she need time rubbing his sons back until he calmed down enough Finn had the hiccups but didn’t seem to care as he grabbed the Rae box and staggered to his room.

When Gary goes up later to give his son some tea he sees his son asleep holding the throw blanket Rae had gotten him as he looks around he smiles Finn had set his room the same way it was before the accident.

Finally able to lay his head down Gary prayed Rae and Finn could work things out, he prayed Rae would have a speedy recovery, but mostly he prayed thinks could be forgiven cause he doesn’t want to think about what Finn might do if he looses her all over again, he prays the truth bout things don't make his son hate himself 

Back at the hospital Linda and Chloe silently having similar thoughts


	4. i found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning of talks of Self harm and miscarriage
> 
> yes I know this sounds crazy but i did watch a episode of I didn't know i was pregnant and something similar happed to a women on there

Rae POV

Over the past week the gang has all stopped by I've smiled and nodded where its appropriate I was dreading what I needed to tell them you see even though I was hit by the car and not jumped off the bridge like I had intended my mum had found my suicide note. I was informed I wouldn’t be going home that I was going back into the hospital mandatory four months.

Mum making me tell them why I was there last time and why I'm going back again, seeing as how Finn doesn’t remember he wont feel to heartbroken over this news but I may break while explaining. You see my mum decided the gang deserved to know bout Finn and I relationship while I was still out from surgery, so he I am sitting in a wheel chair due to a bloody broken leg again waiting for the gang to show up.

Imagine my surprise when Gary Finns dad showed up with them taken a deep breath I gave them all hugs even Finn gave me a hug I swear if I didn’t know better he hugged me harder than the rest shaken my head tears in my eyes I looked around getting encouraging nods from mum and Kester closing my eyes and taken a deep breath.

"Last year I was in a very dark place in my life, stuck in my head you see…l.. Last year I had a Miscarriage even though I was 15 I loved the boy I was with so much and I lost him and the only thing I had of him as well. School was bad a lot more people was taken the piss out of me, my mum and I was fighting a lot more my fault I pushed my friends away as well. One night I was all alone once again mum was on the overnight shift, I couldn’t get out of my head it just kept getting worse and darker as the hours pasted… i… that night I cut myself repeatedly nicking myself to deep on each leg I bled out until I passed out mum found me they wanted me admitted into the psychiatric hospital I agreed actually the day I got out was the day I caught back up with you Chloe. I don’t blame anyone things happened I was getting better but like always things got worse again th..the morning after the rave I was in very dark place is that why I went crazy at the rave I wanted to forget for awhile ya know but that morning I got a call my friend Tix from the hospital collapse and was in a coma , you see the night of the rave while I was in my own head and just wanting it to shut off I had forgotten bout a dinner Tix had asked me to attend we were hoping it would finally get her to eat I wasn’t there and unless she wakes up ill never be able to say how sorry I am. After visiting her I couldn’t get out of me own head I headed toward that bridge not on my way to the chippy or the pub but headed there to jump off but lost in my own head I didn’t see the car whos path I had stepped into… so I'm being admitted back to the hospital but they believed it was time I told ya'll the truth so this is goodbye for now I'm sorry. 

Smiling at Kester he could see I wanted out of there he nods walks over to wheel me to the part of the hospital I will be living for the next 16 weeks.

Linda's POV

Silent tears rolling down my face my poor baby bird she's so strong I just wished I could help her through all this maybe she got out to early. My thought were interrupted by the sound of the gangs cries turning the site was heartbreaking they all had tears in there eyes but what she wasn’t expecting for that broken lost look as tears rolled down his face as he dropped to his knees saying over and over again 'please no please no what have I done' 

"Finn?"

He looked up at her voice but no words came out so she looked towards his father who was on his knees as well in tears his look told her all she needed to know Finn had remembered and recently at that.

"Oh no Finn honey!" 

Walking over she kneels In front of him holding his as he rocked, this poor boy finally gets his memory back and finds out all this plus what Rae had told them she doesn’t know how to console him but it grateful the gang is letting them have this moment she was glad she told them bout there relationship he's gonna need them after this. Coming out of her thoughts she hears his broken voice asking about the baby

"Finn honey are you sure you want to hear all this now?" as he stares her right in the eyes nodding his head she signs

"Come there's somewhere we need to be."

Leading them outside the hospital across the way to the graveyard she's in tears herself her first grandbaby wasn’t meant to be here in this cold graveyard but at home with her mum and daddy her hate for that drunken driver grows a little more at that thought. When she finally reaches the one she's looking for the smallness of it hurts her heart she hears the gasp and cries behind her but it’s the wails of Finn and Gary that breaks her.

In loving memory   
of  
Mae Rose Nelson  
December 25th 1995

Watching Finn laying his head on the tiny tombstone crying saying he's so sorry over and over again "How.. How far along was she? Gary stuttered out. She knew this question was coming with tears in her eyes "She was 6 months along… she didn’t know she didn’t have any of they regular symptoms nor had she lost her period the hospital didn’t catch it while she was in here they never tested for it and since she was giving a clean bill of health we didn’t know.. that day though she woke up sick and in so much pain we brought her back here where they told her she had to deliver her stillborn baby that the accident did have a lot to do with it the baby could have been damaged and since her body wasn’t registering it they didn't know to check." going on to tell them how the same doctor who told us this was the same doctor who didn’t check her the first time he was fired immediately Rae got a hefty check from them but refuses to acknowledge it and I understand that.

We all stood there a little longer all in our own heads "Oh goodness I almost forgot I had this own me.. Ill make a copy from Rae before I bring her things its not a pretty site but we did get one picture of her"

Handing the only photo of her granddaughter to the Nelson men she felt she needed to explain more.

"Gary.. Finn I need to explain to you we both wish she was still here and if she was Rae would have went to both of you but after the same doctor who told Rae to keep her distance showed up in Rae room while I was at work told her that your progression was good and that telling you this would only do more harm than good and that telling you Gary would only cause problems cause how were you supposed to explain to Finn why your upset. Rae wanted to run to ya'll but didn’t want to make anything worse for both of you, she did however tell Nan during one of her weekly therapy session she saw you Finn she was worried something was wrong so she followed when she saw it was Nan she waiting until you were gone to go visit she broke down told your Nan everything Nan told Rae to wait that you Nelson maybe get knocked off the horse a bit and it may take time but eventually you'll right yourself for her just to hold in there that she believed you would remember sooner than anyone thinks. It broke Rae when Nan passed away she always wanted to tell you but didn’t want to cause you anymore pain please know this!"

Not being able to see the sight anymore she headed home to pack her daughters things she asked for, she wanted to hug her husband. She was so proud Rae had told all but Linda knew if Rae had known Finn had gotten his memory back she might not have told him like that shaken her head she headed off to bed cuddling her husband as tears ran down her face.

The next morning walking out to her car on her way to see Rae and bring her, her things she spots two envelopes pinned under her windshield wipers grabbing them she sits in her car already knowing who there from surprised though as ones for Rae and ones for her quickly opening it.

Dear Lindamum

Last night I couldn’t speak which is no surprise really I've never been good with words as you know

I needed you to know Dad and I aren't mad just grieving dad wants to meet with you later today (seeing as I'm writing this at 3 a.m )for tea and to explain he honestly missed you as a friend

You’ve always been like a mum to me so I know telling us tonight was not easy well all of it was not easy I want to thank you for being there for Rae when I couldn’t ill never be able to make that up ill spent the rest of my life trying

Please give Rae my letter and ask her to actually read it, no more secrets, secrets didn’t help last time I believe my memory started coming back because Rae was back in my life you see I explain all this in Rae letters but the day Chloe brought her to the pub I felt like I was complete before then I felt like I was missing something Now know that was because my other half had been away until that day.

We love you so no more of us not seeing each other please

Love   
Unspeakable Finn 

Smiling in tears she felt relieved they didn’t hate them for not saying something but maybe just maybe Finn and Rae can work through this


End file.
